by R. Keith Campbell, R.Ph.
Associate Dean/Professor of Pharmacy Practice
Certified Diabetes Educator
Washington State University
College of Pharmacy
Pullman, Washington 99164?6510

Having a chronic disease, like diabetes, can put a great deal of pressure on relationships. It is known that the rate of divorce in individuals with chronic diseases, like diabetes, is higher than in the general population. The purpose of this article is to allow you to evaluate your personal relationships. If you are seriously considering a commitment to someone, it will help you think about what ingredients are important in having a relationship and whether or not, there is potential to be successful. If you are already in a committed relationship, the relationship reality check will allow you to evaluate areas that may need some communication and detailed attention. As the famous song says, "Breaking Up is Hard To Do". It is a sad but true fact that for every person who gets married today over 50% will get divorced. It is also a sad fact that another 40% will want to get divorced, but will stay married for the sake of children, money, or religion. The one in ten who have a committed, caring, loving, trusting, positive, supportive relationship are affectionate, have a good sense of humor, communicate well, know how to express romance, and are each other's best friend.

THE FEVER

When an individual is ready to become involved with a significant other and meets someone who seems attractive, the emotional growth 'fever state' of a relationship begins. During this stage, whatever each person does seems to be just wonderful. This is an indicator that it is a great time to inject some reality into evaluating the relationship. Oftentimes, the thing that attracts you the most to an individual is the same thing that ten years later aggravates you. There has to be a better way of evaluating relationships. Potential problems should be identified early and are solvable if communication and compromise occur. The objective is to understand and prevent small problems from progressing to the point of divorce or long?term unhappiness. In addition, there should be a way to periodically evaluate one's relationship with another to see if any trends are developing that could be mutually confronted to prevent major problems from occurring. If this is done, the relationship can be sustained over a long period of time with a positive outcome.

REACTING TO PROBLEMS

When a problem in a relationship evolves and one or both of the individuals in the relationship become aware of the problem, there are four ways the problem can be handled. First, avoidance or denial of the problem is an alternative. This occurs when you know there is a problem and it bothers you but, it isn't worth the time, effort, money, or trauma to try to get the problem changed. Thus, the status quo is maintained.

Second, if the problem becomes intolerable many people will elect to get divorced. Usually by the time people ask for a divorce, there has already been an emotional divorce. The ugliness of dividing up property and deciding what to do with the children is a traumatic event that takes a lot out of each individual. In addition, after a divorce individuals have to work out a communication process that will hopefully be in the best interest of each person and of any children.

The third alternative is to identify the problem, confront it, and develop a method of communication that will help solve the problem. Oftentimes, this choice will require outside assistance utilizing marriage counselors.

Alternative number four is not ethically or morally correct but appears to be the choice of many unhappily married individuals. The fourth choice was represented in the movie, "Divorce 'Italian' Style'. In Italy, it is not religiously correct to end the marriage. Thus, unhappily married people will determine what is not satisfying in their relationship and will seek an extramarital solution for unmet needs. This requires deception and dishonesty. Although this short?term solution can fulfill one's needs, it can have an emotionally traumatic impact that can lead to divorce. Periodically evaluating the various aspects of a relationship will help to identify problems early that could hopefully be solved before divorce or, divorce 'Italian' style results.

RELATIONSHIP REALITY CHECK

In the many years that I've evaluated my own relationships and observed and helped other people evaluate their relationships, I've noticed several distinct aspects of relationships that periodically need to be evaluated. Read the rest of this article and then refer to the Relationship Reality Check Table. Rate your relationship with a significant other on a scale of 1?10 with 1 being horrible and 10 being excellent. The aspects of the relationship that you should evaluate are 1) your emotional involvement with the other person; 2) your intellectual attitudes and support; 3) your physical/sexual relationship; 4) your ability to communicate effectively; 5) timing factors related to each other's needs; 6) your attitude about people of the opposite sex based upon your relationship with your mother and/or father; and 7) miscellaneous; including attitudes toward saving and spending money, how to raise kids and religious compatibility. Each of these factors will be explained in more detail in terms of how to evaluate them.

When you add up the score for each of the seven points above, your total score can be determined as a percentage of a maximum score of 70 points. If you're at a University and taking a relationship course in order to pass you would need to have 75% of the total score, if not, you would have a low grade in the course. Thus, if your score is under 53, you should specifically look at the problem aspect of the relationship, discuss it with your significant other and see what you can do to improve it. Some couples' scores will be so low that hopefully they will decide to get marital counseling to try to get the problems solved. Some individuals who have not yet married and take the reality relationship check may decide it would be best to get marital counseling to help them determine whether or not their personalities can work together in a teamwork process that will result in a long?term successful relationship.

UNDERSTANDING EACH ASPECT OF THE RELATIONSHIP

1 ) Emotional: In evaluating your emotional relationship with your significant other, one way to look at it is basically whether or not you "liken the person. Is the person really a friend, do you share interests, can the person be a good companion? Long?term companionship is one of the major factors needed for a relationship to last. Also, part of your emotional relationship is romance and affection. Is your partner romantic and are you romantic towards your partner? Is there a level of affection between each of you that makes you and the other person feel good about each other? Do you have a nurturing, caring and supportive attitude? After all of that has been reviewed, give yourself a score of 1?10 based upon your emotional relationship. Some people say, "Committed relationships are just a license to take each other for granted." Evaluating this part of your relationship is one way to see if you are on a road to take your loved one for granted.

2) Intellectual: Long?term, positive and sustained relationships most often have partners who understand the importance of being involved with someone who is a growing, caring and intelligent person. This means the person's basic ability to learn not the person's level of education. Is the person interesting? Is he/she on a search for learning? Is it important for him/her to do new things and do them well? Again, it is a type of attitude about the subject of intelligence. For example, if a woman married a man who felt really insecure if the woman went back to school and got an education, it could become a major point of conflict between the two of them. Being involved with someone who understands the need to grow intellectually can be a very positive part of a relationship. Again, look at intellectual and give it a score on a scale of 1?10.

3) Physical/Sexual : In nearly every new relationship this topic usually has a very high score. As people get into a routine, especially in our society where people are working one or two jobs and everyone is tired, exhausted and get to bed late, the ability to be romantic, caring, nurturing, and loving oftentimes is replaced with a contest as to who can help the other person have an orgasm the fastest. It is kind of like the old television show, "Name That Tune'. Where instead, you say, "I can help you have an orgasm in three minutes." and, the other person comes back with, "Well, I can get you off in two minutes." Over time, this becomes a 'sex by numbers' type of exercise and one that can be boring and repetitive. Thus, the physical aspect of a relationship requires work, attention to detail and an open, positive attitude. In addition, if two people are involved in a significant relationship and have very different sexual energy needs (i.e., one likes to have sex three times a day and the other likes to have sex three times a month) there is going to be conflict. Another aspect of your sexual relationship is your degree of inhibitiveness. Some people are very open to try anything, others want to only have conservative sex and this too may lead to conflict. The expression of sexual enjoyment or your level of enthusiasm before and during sexual intimacy is also a predictor of whether or not individuals are compatible physically and sexually. Last, but not least, is that the handsome/beautiful person you fell in love with ten years later may be bald, overweight, too skinny, or whatever, and is no longer physically attractive. Thus, all aspects of your physical/sexual attraction to the person will need some review on a periodic basis. You can now score on basis of 1?10 your sexual feelings about your loved one.

4) Communication: When problems are small and if the couple has a good ability to communicate, then solutions can be found that prevent further deterioration of the relationship. Communication involves a willingness to communicate, as well as, a style of communication. One method that works well is the ability to sit down with your loved one, hold hands, look each other in the eyes and tell him/her you want to listen to what he/she has to say. You agree that you will not respond until he/she has finished making a statement. Then, you repeat back what you thought was said until your partner is satisfied that you got the point or points that were being made. Then your partner remains quiet and really listens to you as you express your attitudes or feelings about the topic. Your loved one then summarizes what you have said before responding to your comments. Willingness and ability to communicate can greatly affect whether or not problems are solvable. Communication is critical in all relationships, but can be especially challenging when one partner is a prolific talker and the other is very quiet and reserved. Score on a basis of 1?10 your communication relationship with your loved one.

5) Timing: Sometimes people who are perfectly matched do not get together because the timing of their relationship is not correct. In other terms, one person may be willing to make a total commitment and the other person is not ? due to school, financial, family reasons, or whatever. Therefore timing is a major factor in terms of whether or not people decide to get together and make the total commitment of getting married. Within married relationships, timing is also important; timing of your work schedule, whether you spend time together, or more importantly enjoy spending that time together. Do you make an effort to plan and spend time with your lover? Stop and grade the timing aspects of your relationship on a scale of 1?10.

6) Attitudes About Mother/Father: This aspect of your relationship is one that should be seriously reviewed. One of the major predictors as to whether or not a couple will sustain a long?term relationship is the woman's attitude about her father and the man's attitude about his mother. If the woman's father was physically, verbally or sexually abusive, then it is very difficult for the woman to ever trust or respect men. If a man's mother is not respected and trusted by him for whatever reason, then the man's ability to respect and trust women is greatly diminished. If you are going with somebody and he/she does not like, trust, or respect his/her mother and/or father, the chances of your having a problem with this person in a year or two is very high. The reason for this is that when the person becomes close to you the expectation is that you will deceive, disappoint or somehow cause pain. That then creates a sense of wanting to get away from you. This can be one of the most confusing parts of a relationship because the person who runs away doesn't really understand it and the person getting dumped doesn't have a clue as to what is going on.

There is another part of the mother/father aspect of the relationship. If a woman adores and likes her father, she may not be able to find anybody who quite matches him and this can also be a problem in a relationship. The same is true of a son who overly adores his mother. In addition, the relationship with in?laws can have a major positive or negative impact on the relationship. The nice part about this particular aspect of a relationship is that through counseling one can understand why these feelings about mothers/fathers have caused them to have difficulty in the relationship; and, it is possibly correctable if the person works hard at understanding and maturing to the point that a committed relationship is possible. This is a difficult part of the reality check to do because you have to look at your attitude about your mother or father and see whether or not you are a good candidate for a committed relationship, as well as, looking at your loved one's attitude. When doing this, score this part of your relationship on a scale of 1?10.

7) Miscellaneous: There are several other important aspects of relationships that can be put under a category of miscellaneous. If you are married to someone who likes to save money at all costs and you like to spend it, there will certainly be finance conflicts that could result in ending the relationship. People can also fight over the way they think children should be raised. You can fight over whether or not you like household pets or if you like to camp or whether or not you smoke. Very importantly, if you are strongly religious and the other person does not share those religious beliefs there can be a major crack in the foundation of your relationship. Think about the things that are important to you and to your loved one and see if there are major differences in attitudes that would result in conflict. Now score Miscellaneous on a scale of 1?10.

When you total your score, remember that the maximum points possible is 70. If you add up your score and it is under 53, you would have a relationship reality number that would indicate certain aspects of your relationship need a lot of attention. If you score above 90%, you may want to go back and see if you are in the 'fever' stage of the relationship and you're just simply interpreting everything as wonderful, whether or not it really is. Note ? the score is not the important part of going through this process. The object of this analysis is to identify problems while they are still small, so hopefully you can solve them before they lead to negative consequences.